Fraud

I do have to admit, this assignment was sort of difficult for me.  For a long time I did not know what I wanted to do because I felt drawn in many different directions and like there was so much I was wanting to say all at the same time.  Eventually I decided on the trait I wanted to show, that of being a put together, classy woman.  For most of my life, I felt like in public, I was very put together.  I always dressed up, tried to make myself sociable at different functions, and basically aspired to elevate my life.  The women I admired growing up were Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly and the like.  In those old movies I would watch as a kid, they always seemed to be calm and collected, and put together, even in the face of danger.  They were grace and beauty and I wanted to be like them.  When choosing the picture I wanted for the project I found this lovely photograph of Grace Kelly, and in black and white, which was perfect. 

            Then came the brainstorming about how I was going to change this, and therefore what I wanted to say.  This became a very personal experience for me.  The more I looked at the picture and thought about what it meant (having your life put together) the more uneasy I became with it.  I started thinking deeper about who exactly I was and how my life was.  Not many people know it, but I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, especially present when I become too stressed or overwhelmed.  Basically, it feels like any negative emotion too strong and in the perfect combination could launch me into an irrational state of mind, and painful panic.  I hate this part of me.  I hate how out of control it makes me feel.  I feel the opposite of put together.  I feel totally disconnected from myself, and who I think I am.  But really, this is a part of me, so it is as much “me” as the other parts I show to the world.  I started to get the feeling that I was a fraud.  I present myself so put together and in control to the world.  But then in those painful, and terrifying moments I am not in control; it is merely emotions crashing into me and me drowning.  I began to realize that my problem with the picture was that I could compare myself to Grace Kelly, but this chaos that existed in me was contradictory to what I saw in this picture.  It was what I wanted to be, and to others was seen as, but deep down I still had this other overwhelming side. 

            I started thinking more though, and thought if I felt like this, then maybe other people did.  Maybe in different ways, but possibly similar.  All of us have our masks that we wear, and we all put on some sort of show when we are around people opposed to when we are alone with only ourselves.  That’s where the word “fraud” came from.  We are all in a way frauds to some extent.  I think that.  Either on social media, in class, or around family or friends, we tend to put on different masks that would be appropriate for the situation we are facing.  Next I wanted to be able to capture the feeling of panic I felt in these moments I don’t let others see.  I wanted to do something with color at first, but then decided that words would make more of an impact.  I started typing the phrases that come to my head when I feel myself spiraling, and that became the background of the work.  It is something that is there, but not at the front, because the body, the façade is the first thing you see, not the panic barely below the surface. 

            I am really proud of the work I have created. I am really proud because when I look at it I see both sides, both feelings that I feel, as complicated as they are.  I see the desire to be in control, be presentable.  Then on the other side of the spectrum, I see that panic and chaos lying under the surface of the image.  Both are parts of me, and make me who I am today.  Though I struggle with one side, I have learned to deal with it, and accept it.  This work was in a way therapeutic to me, to be able to express a part of me that many do not see, or have not heard about.  I am glad for what I have learned through this work, and creating it.